Another big step in my kink journey. Thanks to the insistance of friends and the idea of not going there alone, I attended my first kink gear event. My first event period. It was amazing, and I want to share my journey through it with you.

Warming up to the idea

I am a shy, introverted and anxious mess. Exploring kink is an extremely emotional journey for me in acknowledging what I truly like, and attempting to find a community where I could stop censoring myself. Sharing pictures online has been my warm up in trying to finally be active in the community, and a call reaching out to find like minded people, the ones that are in kink not just for the sex first, but mostly for the aesthetic and sensual aspect, trying to reconcile being both ace and into all of these "weird" likes of mine.

People I've met over on BlueSky and Mastodon that have reached out to me to make the first contact have been helping me a lot in feeling at home, and have suggested me to go to an event like GearBlast:UK. I pushed it away for a long time, using my inexperience as an excuse and, truly, my fears and assumptions about the scene especially in an "ace not seeking sex" context but that may welcome it if conditions are right. But I couldn't get my head around it. My "censors" were doing a great job at blocking away the thought of me potentially enjoying it...

But my friends insistance paid off... I ended up buying a ticket to GearBlast:UK, supported by people that went there and the overall lovely gear community that welcomes a diverse amount of expressions of it, both in gear and sexuality, and I needed an excuse to finish my S10 Mask Screen project (post on that coming some day 👀), and I had plenty of time to prepare mentally for it since it's in August!

Buying a ticket and planning for it made me open up more to the community and crack my shell a bit more to allow me to explore, talking in new chat groups and even meeting what was online friends only for coffee and chat... More open discussions happened, and then I was suggested a much much closer event in the nature of Gearbound, a bondage club event in London that happens every month.

That means an event that would be only in a few weeks when I was proposed the idea. No months long warming up. My first experience would be much sooner that I expected... A few weeks ago, I would have been scared shitless at the idea, mind riddled with assumptions.

Yet... I accepted the invitation.

My word was my binding to the idea.

I said yes, me, an inexperienced kinky asexual into mostly latex and who likes the idea of bondage a lot, that never had any prior kink, sensual or sexual experience would make this their first one this small but intense club event with a friend met online.

Fuck I said yes 🤯.

An opportunity to explore

But that felt good to do, making that first step! I was invited by peers and people who had more experience than I did, so surely I have a place in all of it!

And in the end, the plan was simple, I was not gonna plan anything actually! I simply wanted to be in gear, enjoy the moment and learn looking at how others played to get to understand and get exposure therapy to it all.

Instead, exposure therapy got much bigger very quickly. Plans started being made on what would happen at the event, more people joined the trip there to have a good time, an opportunity for new connections which led to a lot of chatting and some lovely pre-event playfulness, making me discover more aspects of my personality that would come into play at the event. An aspect of playfulness, obedience and submission that I've always thought of having, and finally got the opportunity to practice in a safe environment through text messages.

Everything quickly became more and more real, I was doing, writing and planning things I would have never imagined doing when I started exploring, nor even when I accepted the invite... And I loved it!.

What started as a massive anxiety mindset planning to go the event, became much more mellow. Still there, but not incapacitating.

An opportunity to be casual

But there was an opportunity to make more of that day! If everyone is going to London, there's an opportunity to first meet and be in a casual environment to talk and share that passion! Because sure, kink is a very sensual activity that is more about the experience you live, but there a lot of stories to share, a lot of suggestion in toys, scenes and expressions of it, and there are also the stores in London to explore and window shop or buying extra gear or toys, going to Regulation in person, and getting amazing at all of the gear every kinkster would dream of... And of course leaving with a lighter wallet 💸.

I was fully stepping in, attempting to be honest about myself in a casual setting, talk in person about toys, gear, the fun I had with them, taking suggestions, sharing suggestions, trying gear, buying gear...

It was a THRILL, it was AMAZING, but I was still ANXIOUS AS FUCK.

This anxiety was killing me. Playful attempt from my friends were either relaxing me a tiny bit, or sending me in a fight or flight mode. The day was awesome, but my mind decided to not have any of it. And as the daily activities ended, I tried hiding it as much as possible, but my anxiety started leaking. I looked stressed, I was stressed, I was scared, but fighting through it. I came this far, I will NOT gonna let my bullshit brain take advantage of me 💪.

The actual event

After a quick cab ride, a lovely discussion of me sharing my concerns and getting slightly reassured by Hex, we arrived at the venue. That weird door leading to a weird stairway, it was really the stereotype of a sex club... I mean... It sort of was, and definitely is for other events happening there. Again, fighting the misconception I learned through bad sex education and media feeding everyone a terrible image of it. There's nothing wrong with that club existing.

We get in, welcomed by the lovely staff, reminding me of the rules and that there are people around here for our safety and to make sure everyone has safe fun. It was still very early, barely anyone in the club, everyone progressively getting changed, as we try to find a spot to do so ourselves.

Getting in a corner, digging the gear out of the overloaded gear bag where basically only half of it would get used. And spending 30 minutes trying to get into a full body catsuit, putting silicone everywhere, and fighting the gym changing room trauma while having to be naked to change... I know, it's a sensual bondage club, there will be dicks EVERYWHERE, why would it matter for people to see mine NOW?

But I got through it, I was in full latex, head to toe, gas mask on, I was finally getting into character... But it didn't feel natural yet, I was hidden behind this latex layer and mask, it wasn't me anymore... But becoming that character wasn't feeling right for some reason.

I was still anxious, and that out-of-character feel made me think that I may have been faking it, that I only liked the fantasy of it, that I wasn't in a safe space, impostor syndrome hitting hard. But luckily I was quickly led to a corner, where the first scene was getting set up for me, before my mind would start going mad.

The first scene

That's it, I'm there, I'm about to have my first gear sensual experience with others. And for this, I had the honoured of being proposed a rubber sleep-sack session thanks to Hex, An incredible idea for a first experience. Add another layer of compressive protection to myself, get hugged by the rubber, and hopefully have an amazing time.

With Gimpy Pup and Hex's help, I slowly got in it, getting settled in the idea that I won't be able to move for whatever time they have decided for me. Nothing to worry about, I was in safe hands.

But the stress was still there. Less so, but still. My mind was trying to not let me enjoy it, so the batte began.

I had to fight my mind, those censors of mine that wouldn't accept me taking pleasure out of this. I breathed slowly, tried to focus. But then Gimpy took control of the scene. He made sure I hit that space deep and quick, putting his full weight on me, gently playing with me, cracking that shell more and more, progressively getting me into a more relaxed state until...

*Finger Snap*

All my anxiety was GONE, my doubts GONE, the fog in my mind GONE.

I started smiling like a lunatic, laughing like a maniac at every sensations I had. I've hit the sub space, I was down deep. I loved it. And it was just getting started for me.

Meeting myself

With all of the troubles out of my head, I was collared for the night, and carried around from scene to scene. It was a surreal experience, seeing so many people enjoying themselves in many different configurations, mostly not involving sexual acts, sometimes with some, just a lot of diversity in experiences. My mind was all over the place now that it wasn't restrained anymore, but I was determined to follow it and make the most of it

Before the night, days ago, I had a great discussion about my boundaries, what I expected to enjoy or not, but mostly a lot of things I was curious about, and also the fact that there was limited plans after the sleep-sack scene in my mind, at this point it was all improvisation for me, and probably others too.

But throughout all of the different scenes that followed, I felt like finally meeting myself. It calibrated my mind to what I was actually happy to feel, take and enjoy. I greatly underestimated myself in what I would like, how I would look, how I would act.

I wanted to simply enjoy latex, and I got to try and push my boundaries in restraints, blindfolds, gags, bondage, impact and where I liked to be touched or enjoy touching others, and felt "slutty" in the best way possible.

I've met myself, and I've let myself BE myself

What happened is the span of these past few weeks and months of me getting more open on the internet about all of this culminated in this night where the real me met what I though was a persona, to only reveal deeper part of my own self.

I've finally made that first step in this world I admired from afar. I've been welcomed in it, complimented in it. I've learned what a safe queer space was.

What I learned

I was scared that this experience would make me doubts on a lot of different aspects fo my personality and identity. After all, I was going to a kink event where sex happens and might sometime be an expectation for some people, and I've described myself as a sex positive and favourable asexual, surely that would end up changing me? Or some bigots would say... "fix" me...

Instead, it validated me even further. I'm a kinky asexual, somewhere in the wide umbrella or sub identities, and enjoyed the sexual aspect of kink, but deeply (and maybe more so) enjoyed the mental state and relaxation that this allowed me to hit. I realised how vast kink can be, and that it is perfectly non-sexual at the core.

Kink is not inherently sexual. Kink is about exploring aspects of your pleasure differently, and you don't have to make it sexual pleasure to enjoy it.

To say it even bluntly from my experience there, I didn't cum, I did not find that sexual release that people might expect from these events. But I found better, a deep relaxation, and I did not need anything more, I was perfectly okay with this.

It was a validating, exhilarating experience, and I can't thank Hex, Kinky Biologist and especially Gimpy Pup enough for their support and playfulness that made for an amazing first event experience.

It is now up to me to follow up on that, reach out to people, be more open but more me as well, as I should not expect everything to come on a silver platter.

It is now in my hands to become the good drone I want to be

⊗⊘